I used to think that women, like me, were guilty of being non-selective when it came to choosing a mate. That any warm body that paid us a little attention could end up walking us down the aisle. But lately I’ve been noticing that men–particularly young men, and the recently divorced –are just as susceptible to glomming on to the first semi-reasonable candidate that comes along.
I have always believed that for young, inexperienced men, given a woman with a nice ass and a healthy cleavage, the rest of the package deal becomes ABSOLUTELY irrelevant. I would like to believe that, given a snoot full, a man eventually recognizes his folly.
Beyond basic self-esteem issues–and we all share them–the problem for women and more mature men, I think, stems from the notion of fairness. If someone is good and kind and has really nice teeth, it seems ungracious, snooty even, to shrug them off as a prospect.
But there are lots of fantabulous people out there in the world, AND they are clearly not right for you as a partner. Think about it. How long would Donald Trump last with a Pema Chodrin?
That being said, I’ve learned from horrific mistakes that, beyond the obvious deal breakers–like a prison record, and smoking– there are certain personality traits that need some consideration. Because differences in temperament and habit destroy relationships. These need to be assessed before moving beyond that coffee date and jumping into bed.
1.Energy Level: I like to refer to this as shark-iness.
I’m the kind of person that always has to be doing something. Stop moving, and I die. If I’m not writing, I’m running. If I’m not at the gym, I’m throwing a load or ten in the washing machine. The man I married when I was fresh out of college enjoyed nothing better than lounging in the living room. He’d take his tea tray in, a carton of cigarettes, and watch fifteen news shows in a row. He thought I had a mental problem because I was incapable of sitting still. Walt, on the other hand, makes me look like a deadbeat.
You both have to have the same level of energy, need for action. One can’t ba a couch potato, the other an extreme athlete.
2. Messy vs. Neat: I’m about as disorganized as they come. I have a very nasty habit of dropping my clothes on the bedroom floor.
Which is fine because I’m married to someone like Walt. Take a little peak into his closet.
My casual attitude about organization would be a disaster if I’d married my Italian boyfriend. A man who brushed the lint off his jacket before hanging it up. A man who unpacked his suitcase and placed each folded item in the hotel drawer the MOMENT he entered the room.
Six months after the blush wears off, these little personal habits can feel like sand on a peanut butter sandwich.
3. Detail vs Big Picture: I don’t do well with perfectionists. I’m a fly by the seat of the pants sort of gal. Slow, methodical people drive me nuts. I once had a girlfriend who asked me to help her choose a shade of paint for her kitchen. She had 34 swatches, all varying shades of reddish brown.
Six hours later, she still couldn’t decide. There is a reason the two of us no longer hang out.
No matter how cute someone is, if he or she throws all the toppings on a pizza without consideration for symmetry, and this makes you nervous, end of show.
4. Ambition: If you want to do, be, and have more, you can’t partner with someone who truly believes life couldn’t possibly get much better than status quo. Some people don’t want more. Some people cringe at the idea of change because it requires a stretch. You will hear on a daily basis, as I once did. “What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you be happy? Why do you have to be so greedy.” Or, if you’re on the opposite side of that charming equation, “I’m leaving. The stagnation is killing me.”
Beware the contented soul. It may be a setup for Sunday dinners with your in-laws, book club on Thursdays, and the occasional PTO meeting.
5. Common values: If you’re into the Bible, don’t go marrying a bar girl. If your idea of a good time is sleeping in a tent in the middle of winter, you will not do well with a partner who refuses to sleep on anything but 1000-count, Egyptian cotton sheets . If you are proud of your nuclear engineering PhD, the girl who cuts your hair will eventually bore the shit out of you.
What do you value most? Family? Education? Adventure? Work? Luxury? Ask the important questions. Will you be happy to come home to a champagne-swilling partner whose invited the neighbors over for an impromptu party?
6. Shared Culture: This is a big one for me, having once married a practicing Muslim from a very small village in Iran. All people are created equal in the eyes of God, but we are not necessarily the same. If you are from a nuclear family who saw extended cousins two weeks every other summer, marrying someone from a culture that worships hospitality and the extended clan, that has no understanding of the term “privacy”, well, that will kill you.
There’s a reason my Big Fat Greek Wedding was a comedy.
One of the reasons I like Match.com is that it allows one to explore a prospect before getting involved with him or her. (And we all know that, when we love someone, we ignore the fact that they don’t really want what we want.) There are certain expectations defined from the get go: desire for children, education and income levels, interests, and location. More, it’s a perfect venue for describing yourself and what you’re looking for in a mate. It forces you to use clear and precise language. A great exercise, even if you never join.
Anway, these are the six qualities important in a mate that come to my mind. What other qualities do you consider absolutely essential?
