When I was younger, I used to look to others, mostly men, to rescue me. I was convinced that, if left to my own devices, I would make some horrible mistake and screw up my life permanently. I had no idea who I was, what I wanted or needed, or how I felt about much of anything. I figured that the only way to get through life was to please others, so they would love me and take care of me like a baby. That way I would never have to figure these things out for myself.
It wasn’t until I crossed the finish line of my first marathon that I realized I was able to accomplish enormous things on my own. By enduring obstacles and pain, forging ahead when what I wanted most to do was quit, I met my power. For the first time in my life, I respected my self. It mattered less what others thought of me because I recognized that I was capable of doing what needed to be done. I no longer felt the need to ride on coat tails.
I give you this overview, as I’ve done a gazillion times before, as an introduction of sorts to the book I’m currently reading: Nathaniel Branden’s The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem.
I’m fascinated by the topic of self-esteem because of all those years I had so little of it. I also want to understand at a deeper level what happened to me at that finish line.
By the way, this is an area of my life I’m always working on. I’ve come a long way, Baby, but I’ve got a long way to go.
Here is Branden’s preliminary definition of self-esteem, which he breaks into two parts:
- Confidence in our ability to think, confidence in our ability to cope with the basic challenges of life; and
- Confidence in our right to be successful and happy, the feeling of being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and wants, achieve our values, and enjoy the fruits of our efforts.
In other words, the ability to trust one’s self, bank on one’s self, and a sense of deservedness. The very things that had been missing in me when I’d gone hunting for a savior.
The very things I’d discovered crossing that finishing line.
“It is a dangerous moment in history,” Branden writes, “not to know who we are or not to trust ourselves. The stability we cannot find in the world we must create within our own persons.”
And,man, that’s a job.
We need to trust ourselves and we need to admire ourselves, and the trust and admiration need to be grounded in reality, not generated out of fantasy and self-delusion. Which is why I encourage my coaching clients to take on a big, hairy audacious goal, so they can create a touchstone, a sense of stability within, for themselves. It’s what that marathon did for me.
In order to develop a strong sense of self-esteem (it’s never too late) we must incorporate certain practices into our daily lives. Branden calls these the six pillars. They include:
- Living Consciously—the ability to be aware of the environment in some form and to guide action accordingly
- Self-acceptance—the refusal to be in an adversarial relationship to yourself
- Self-responsibility—the willingness to take responsibility for your actions and the attainment of your goals
- Self-assertiveness—the willingness to stand up for yourself, to be who you are openly, to treat yourself with respect in all human encounters
- Living Purposefully—the willingness to use your powers for the attainment of goals you have selected
- Personal Integrity—to live up to our own standards, to walk the talk
(Notice the emphasis on goal setting. And on doing.)
Raised by wolves? I urge you to pick up this book. Our parents were lousy models. Most of them were/are walking the earth with half a pillar. If you didn’t learn these skills in childhood, it’s up to you to master them as an adult. This book will help.
Wake up. No one’s coming. You’re the one you’ve been waiting for.
