I was talking to a girlfriend the other day and I was reminded of a painful lesson I had to learn, like, 2,347 times.  Her lover had informed her that, if he had to choose between her and another, he would not choose her. She, of course, had gotten her feelings hurt. But, she went on with her story as if it were no big deal.

I think it’s fascinating what the human mind will do with information it can’t bear to hear.

How it can transform a jerk into a nobleman with the integrity to tell the truth.

I couldn’t help thinking of my Iranian husband all those years ago, a man who never failed to remind me that, if he had to choose between me and his mother, or his nephew, or his 3^rd cousin twice removed, I would lose every single time. That if I ever insulted one of his relatives, even inadvertently, I would end up on the streets of Shiraz, Iran without my kids.

Like any red-blooded human being, I wanted to feel irreplaceable; instead, I ranked right up there with disposable napkins and picnic ware.

So often we “forget” how vital it is to be prized above all else by the person that we love most.

Years after I divorced, I joined the dating site Match.com. Sifting through member profiles, I clicked on a candidate with an interesting description:  An independent businessman who flew planes, studied in Hawaii, an expert on the stock market. Before too long, we began a relationship.

”You know,” he said over dinner one evening, “My therapist is nothing short of a miracle worker. Everyone claims narcissism can’t be cured. But she’s convinced we’ve got mine beat.”

Flipping through Webster’s later that night, I studied the definition of his “former” personality disorder. Narcissism:  the inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love: vanity.

Worrisome…..But wait!

• He was a compelling man, despite his aloofness.
• He led a fascinating life, even if it was fictitious.
• He’d been hurt in a divorce. No wonder he was skittish.

Once he realized I was different, he’d relax with me. I’d play it cool. I’d pretend I didn’t care if he were seeing nine other women,  which the reams of evidence strongly suggested.

Two years later I cut my losses. He was, after all, what he and Webster’s defined him to be.

We all like to pretend that we’ve been bamboozled.  That others lie to us about who they are.

That’s utter bullshit.

The truth is we don’t want to believe what we hear because then we have to go and act on the information. We have to drop our cozy fantasy and face cold reality.

 My willingness to hang on to “refreshingly honest” men, to ignore horrific statements, was never about love. What I was seeking had nothing to do with interesting accomplishments or apparent confidence.  What I liked to label self-assurance in others was actually frank ambivalence. And the more a man wavered, the deeper I bit in. Because to win over the indifferent was to prove my own worth.

Are you playing dumb because you don’t want to face the truth?

Are you trying to win over an asshole to prove your own worth?

When people tell you something bad about themselves, believe them. Or don’t be surprised at the end result.

 

 When a woman loves you she’s not satisfied until she possesses your soul…I saw Blanche little by little trying all her tricks with infinite patience…she cared nothing for me, she only wanted me to be hers…But the blindness of love led her to believe what she wanted to be true, and her love was so great that it seemed impossible to her that it should not in return awake an equal love. — Somerset Maughm in The Moon and Sixpence