Chemists like equations. Chemist that I am, I’m going to give you an equation I learned very late in life. Listen up, because this one affects every aspect of your life.
Self-esteem= Success/pretensions
William James, the father of psychology, came up with this formula in1890. Sure, the language is a little outdated, but whatever, I’m going to give you my interpretation.
Self-esteem can be raised in two ways: by increasing success—accomplishing things that make you say WOW—and/or by decreasing pretensions—dropping the act we put on for everyone, including ourselves.
(Self-esteem, BTW, is what most of us people-pleasers are short on.)
I like to say that confidence and self-esteem are raised by doing something you never thought possible, and by getting real, by accepting your self.
In order to release from the nice girl crap, you’ve got to feel good about yourself. You’ve got to feel confident. You’ve got to trust that you’re enough. That you don’t need people to like you. You only need to like yourself. You only need to trust yourself. You need to know that you can bank on yourself. That way you’re not looking to others to give you what you’re missing, a sense of love, connection, and security.
James’ formula pretty much explains how I went from one seriously disturbing people-pleaser to someone who likes her self, who can bank on her self, who can stand on her own two feet. To someone who, because of that self-esteem, has created a pretty astounding life.
(I swear to God I can hear my mother’s voice. “Don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back.”)
Let’s talk about the numerator first. The success part of the self–esteem equation.
It wasn’t until I crossed the finish line of my first marathon that I realized I was able to accomplish enormous things on my own. By enduring obstacles and pain, forging ahead when what I wanted most to do was quit, I met my power.
I not only made it through the race itself, but through the months of required training. I’m telling you, it was so hard; I wanted to quit. I wanted to quit when my feet turned to hamburger, and when my toenails turned black then fell off, and when the baby sitter canceled, and when I needed to go to bed at 8 p.m. on a Friday night…. I wanted to quit so bad. But I didn’t.
For the first time in my life, I respected my self. I wowed myself. After that race, it mattered less what others thought of me because I recognized that I was capable of doing what needed to be done. I no longer felt the need to ride on coat tails. To look to others to give me that sense of worthiness. I had discovered it in myself.
Through running, I finally figured out what I couldn’t when I was young: to be an adult, a whole integral person, we have to make mistakes, get off course, endure discomfort, and doubt ourselves. We have to endure. The knowledge that we can reach a finish line despite the setbacks is what puts the strut in our step.
To think of the heartache I could have avoided if I’d only known that it was easier to wow myself than to bend over backwards to please someone else. To accept outrageous, damaging crap.
That marathon was my touchstone, something I could go back to again and again when I need a reminder that I can accomplish the impossible on my own.
And while I’ll always be a fan of accomplishing big hair audacious goals to WOW yourself, to create success, I’ve come to realize, having worked with lots of people, that accomplishing something huge isn’t always the fix. Sometimes what people need most of all is self-acceptance.
They need to come to terms with who they really are. They need to face the mirror and take stock. This is where that pretensions part of the formula comes in, the getting real part.
And that’s what writing helped me do. Get real. Face the truth. Cut myself a break. Stop faking shit.
A few years after I completed my marathon I went back to school. I applied to Harvard and got into their writing program.
I started writing short stories and essays about my life in Iran. I came face to face with my history, the mistakes I’d made, my actions and choices.
After a few years, I began to understand myself. I began to see who I really was. For someone who had spent a lifetime pretending to be someone else, this was totally unnerving.
I got to a point where I didn’t want to hide my thoughts, opinions, and feelings anymore. I was tired of being ashamed, of being defensive, guilty, and insecure. No one wants to admit they’re manipulative and aimless, least of all me. Some of us are pretty attached to our game face. It’s hard to let it go.
But here’s the thing. To own your self; to own your opinions, feelings, and thoughts; to own your own story, is to set yourself free. Putting yourself out there for the world to see is the best exercise there is for standing in your own power.
Everything changed in my life when I stopped hiding who I really am/was. I began to understand myself, and accept myself. I forgave myself my foolishness and inadequacies. I eventually got to a point where I could laugh at myself. Because I am as nutty as the day is long. And that’s OK. It really is.
Here’s what self-acceptance is: the refusal to be in an adversarial relationship to yourself. It’s about becoming your own friend.
And here’s the takeaway points:
- People who feel good about themselves, who trust themselves, don’t need to people please.
- You can build your self-esteem in two ways. By doing something hard to impress yourself. And by owning who you really are, by telling the truth.
And that stuff takes work.
