I received a wonderful comment a few weeks back, and now I’d love to take the time to respond properly.

You’ve shared that you met Walt on Match. So, please also share how you maintained the endurance to keep going and not lose hope from one stereotypical online dating site disappointment after another. Surely you’ve had them, too? (And the annoyances. Like most men want younger women—even if it’s only by one year!) I’m very good climbing hills on my bike: settle in, maintain a relatively high cadence and don’t look too far ahead. But this ‘hill’ of online dating (and generally trying to meet someone now that I’m in my 50s) makes me want to turn my bike around, coast downhill all the way home and curl up on my couch! How did you not give up on Match?? Thanks. —- Jessie

 

Yes, Jessie, I had some online dating site disappointments.

There was the “serial killer,” a Jon Voight look alike who admired my ears and asked if I was still “fertile.”

And the funny dude who worked in Manhattan for the History channel, who decided I was damaged goods after I made a few too many jokes about my Iranian ex-husband, and the shit show I’d starred in.

And the guy who had his friend call him while we were on a date so he could exit stage left without hurting my feelings.

And the Narcissist I dated for two years.

But, I also met some lovely men who weren’t quite right for me.  Over coffee, or a drink, we’d chat about life, what we did for a living, where we wanted to go, and I’d find myself thinking about whom I knew that I could fix them up with.  These were pleasant, kind men who needed someone very different from me. (At a certain age, God willing, you know who you are.  And, even though you’ve had lots of practice, you’re also far less willing to be someone you are not.)

It took a long time before I could take the evaluation process less personally; partly because one or two men had been gracious and honest with me about what they hadn’t liked (and they hadn’t pegged me wrong); partly because I’d dismissed nice guys for no particular sin.

It was the narcissist I’d dated that explained how people needed to find mates with issues that match their own.  For the most part, I think this is true.  Someone with a Daddy Hole is never going to be drawn to a younger, sensitive poet type, no matter how wonderful a catch.  An insecure, controlling man will run from a woman who holds her own. Issues, as we all know, are rarely discussed openly on those first few dates. Most folks, come to think of it, don’t have the self-awareness to voice what they are.

When I met Walt, I knew immediately that I wanted to pursue a lasting relationship.  Beyond the instant chemistry—I’m telling you, the guy is HOT—the combination of us just made sense.  We had accurately advertised ourselves as athletes, intellectuals, involved single parents, and adventurers.  Our energy signatures—high-tension nut-jobs—matched beautifully. And our unspoken issues overlapped.  We were, and are, anxious over-achievers who crave constant attention and applause; neither of us can sit down and relax for fifteen minutes without loads of guilt. I won’t bore you with the rest, and believe me, there’s lots more.  Particularly since Walt is so screwed up.

Here’s the deal.  Online dating, be it Match or any of the other ones, is a numbers game.  It’s not all that personal.  A lot that happens between two people sitting across from one another at Starbuck’s has nothing to do with your value as individuals.  You are being analyzed, and are analyzing others, through the filter of unspoken issues.

Are there plenty of men out there who do not want to date women their own age?  Ab-sa-fucking-lutely.  They’ve got AGING issues that need to be resolved before they are good enough for you.

Are there plenty of men out there who want Suzie Size 2, stiletto heels, and micro mini skirts, men who will look right past brilliant you in your questionable running pants?  Ab-sa-fucking-lutely.  They’ve got significance issues, or a history of being married to someone who let herself go to the dogs after Junior was born.

It’s not ABOUT you, or your worth. It’s not.

The sooner you can ACCURATELY advertise who you are and what you want, the sooner you can release from the fear that you’re somehow not good enough, the faster you’ll move through the gauntlet of possibilities and reach the soul who will instantly recognize you for the perfectly lovable mess that you are.

Being a coach has given me an interesting perspective.  I talk to men and women everyday who are starting over, many of whom are in their 50’s, and regardless of gender, they’re all worried about the same thing: Am I too old?  Who will want me?

This means that for every 50-year-old woman out there worrying if the best years are behind her, there is a 50-year-old man worrying about the same damn thing.

You do the math.

So, yah, you can give up at the serial killer obsessed with your ears.  Or you can keep pedaling up hill, coffee date after coffee date, until you meet the one who’ll hop on his bike and race with you to the finish line.

Thank God, you get to choose.