Do you have trouble saying no to your children?
Do you ever feel that, no matter how much you give or do, it’s never going to be enough?
Are you sacrificing your financial health, and/or peace of mind to rescue your kids from consequences?
Do you take on their worries so they can float through life carefree and giddy?
Being married to a criminal defense lawyer tends to give one a very unique perspective.
Nary a day goes by when some poor, suburban parent isn’t on the line trying to extricate his or her kid from trouble. It’s gotten so I yawn at the run of the mill stuff: the shop lifting incident down at Kohl’s, the underage drinking while riding around in a purloined car, or the dumbass who gets caught egging the neighbor’s house (did you know the protein in egg destroys paint?)
If you haven’t gone through this ridiculousness with one of your kids, consider yourself lucky.
The other, less mundane stuff? Girrrrrlllll, I could tell you stories.
I don’t even want to get into the kind of debt nice families take on just to keep Pookie’s record clean. The maxed-out credit cards, the second or third mortgages, the draining of the retirement account, the bankruptcy when there’s simply no way out.
Or the number of times folks call back when their kids have done it AGAIN.
All so their child will not have to suffer the downside of their bad behavior.
God forbid they learn the natural order of the Universe: action=consequence.
Listen. I’m a mother. It’s not like I don’t understand the impulse. Like I don’t weep for their distress. After all, we’re hardwired to save our babies from discomfort, and from roving pterodactyls.
AND.
I’ve come to realize that each of us is walking this planet with our own set of rules about what constitutes being a “good mom”. (A “good dad,” for men.)
What it is we should be willing to do for our children, the level of self-sacrifice one should undertake.
Sorry, but some of these rules aren’t doing anybody any good.
If you’re anything like me, or the parents who call Walt, you’d think nothing of donating your extra liver.
Not every mom thinks the way we do.
When my daughter was doing an Americorp stint in Washington D.C., she ran into a couple of mothers who thought it perfectly appropriate to wander in off the streets between johns, and eat their child’s free school lunch.
I was glad we could both appreciate how nurturing I am in comparison.
Of course, my children are also quick to point out the moms who sell their blood to pay for grad school. Who buy a BMW 520 with a back up camera for a college graduation gift. Then, I might as well be Casey Anthony.
It’s taken me a while to figure out some of my Good Mom Rules. Suffice it to say, they’re pretty messed up. Besides making me feel like absolute shit, they’ve done my children no favors.
- If your kid is miserable, and you’re happy, you need to beat yourself up
- If you explain your point of view properly, your child will feel good about the decision and cheerily comply
- Treat your children equally, even when one obeys and the other runs away from home at 15
- Buy them anything they want to make up for the divorce, and for their dad dying
- Prevent your ADULT child from making a painful mistake, or die trying
- Prove that you love them by wringing your hands and worrying a lot
If you are constantly questioning your effectiveness as a parent, maybe it’s time to examine some of your own Good Mother Rules. Some of them may actually shock you.
Do it for them, so they can learn the lessons they need to. It is their life journey, after all, not yours.
And do it for yourself, so you don’t end up self-destructing and becoming a burden to the people you most want to free.
Not the kind of payback anybody should expect.
