Lately I’ve been running into really nice guys who have no idea why their marriage ended. Attractive in sort of a Steve Carell way, I usually spot them standing against the wall, tapping their toes to the beat of some 70’s tune, holding a plastic cup, looking like deer in the headlights.
At first glance, I note the daddy jeans and the white sneakers. Then, of course, the dyed hair; which looks wrong, just wrong, like a Q-tip dipped in shoe polish. Then, because I pay attention, I pick up on the droopy posture, and the strained attempt at being suave when I know, I just know, they’d rather be anywhere but where they are.
Most of us women recognize that it’s not the Grr-animals wardrobe, or the Grecian Formula mishaps that hold a nice guy back. It’s that gaping wound that won’t heal until they figure out why they got the boot in the first place.
I’m drawn to nice guys for several reasons:
- I recognize a kindred spirit
- They remind me of my brother
See, a nice guy is a lot like a nice girl. Nice girls and guys spend their lives keeping their heads down, avoiding conflict, steadying the rocking boat, bending over backwards, settling for the bare minimum, acting chipper instead of complaining, putting their own needs on the back burner, pretending that they’re happy, worrying, walking on egg shells, and selling their hopes and dreams right on down the fucking river.
They roll over and play dead because nice girls and guys want nothing more than to be loved and deep down inside they feel utterly unworthy.
Nice folks think that if they do everything right, if no one has an excuse to be mad at them, then they will never, ever be left. BIG MISTAKE!
A nice girl can often get away with this manipulative sort of behavior because we’ve been raised to play a subservient role, to put our needs aside for the sake of our husbands and children. Being mealy-mouthed, unfortunately, is considered a fluffy, feminine trait.
Men just can’t play this game.
Case in point: my brother.
Let’s get one thing straight. I love my brother. He is brilliant, intense, earnest, and reliable. He makes a floppy-eared Golden Retriever look downright disloyal. If I were married to him, however, I would kill him in his sleep. He is, not to put too fine a point on the pencil, as wishy-washy as they come.
I use my brother as an example of the classic nice guy only because I have been privy to his upbringing and his home life. I get how one begets the other.
Here’s what nice guys don’t understand. If your wife is yelling at you, telling you that you’re an idiot because you brought home a case of Pepsi instead of a bag of celery, what she wants more than anything is for you to say, “Listen, Babe, if you want celery that badly, get in the fucking car and get it yourself.”
If you haven’t hung out with friends in over thirteen years and you rush home every night so you can run the kids to Cub Scouts, well, she thinks you’re a spineless chump.
If you sit on the couch, nervously focusing on the TV while she rants and raves, she isn’t going to be appeased; she’s going to drive a wooden stake straight through your heart.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not recommending you take up bitch-slapping. I’m suggesting you stop cowering and taking shit.
See, women want their man to stand up to them. Because, if a man can’t stand up for himself, how on earth is he ever going to stand up for her?
Women want to feel safe, like her man’s got it under control.
Women want to know that, if you draw a line in the sand and someone crosses it, you are definitely going to whoop some ass.
But more. If you, nice guy, don’t think you’re worthy of love and respect; of time to pursue your passions and dreams; of possessing and expressing the full gamut of emotions, including the bad ones, why should she? If you don’t love yourself enough to say, “Listen, Princess, you want an argument, well, you’ve got one,” then…you get my point.
Nice guy, you will discover that women will love you for your gifts, for your devotion to your dreams, and for your broad spectrum of interests. She will love you for your boundaries, and your confidence. A woman, particularly one who has had her fair share of jerks, will thank her lucky stars when she finds a gem like you.
So get out there. Get strong and confident by pursuing your passions. Lose the daddy jeans and the sneaks. Then get back on that horse.
