My sister-in-law once told me that I should write a book entitled What Not to Do.  She’d heard the slew of “Ann Stories” my brother liked to tell, and was horrified by my mistakes, and lack of common sense.

Frankly, I think the woman was jealous of me and my big, adventurous, messed-up life.  But, as my daughter used to say, Whateverrrrr.

That being said, I have to admit that I learned most of what I know today the hard way.   I’m pretty sure I’ve screwed up way more than the average bear.

Bad for me; potentially useful for you.

Because I’m willing to share the fruits of my stupid moves.

Instead of making you wait for the book to come out—after all, I’ve got, like, 3 in the hopper—I’d like to give you the Reader’s Digest version.

We’ll put in bullet form.  That way you can print it out and slap it up on the fridge for that little reminder.

Do not:

 

1. Inject fillers into your face because you think you look wrinkled.  You’ll drop $700 for the privilege of looking like a crack ho for 10 days, and you will see absolutely no difference.
2. Eat half a pizza, a pint of beer, AND ice cream after running 20 miles.  Your ass will look like the side of a barn.
3. Date married men.  They are only interested in women who don’t value themselves enough to demand more.
4. Date people with personality disorders.  They are not interesting; they are crazy.
5. Fake orgasm.  Once you start, you consign yourself to shitty sex.
6. Apologize for your negative feelings.  You have a perfect right to feel angry or sad. And to express it.
7. Eat mounds of cooked spinach before going on a long run. Without toilet paper.
8. Make your child your spouse after the divorce.  It’s bad for you and it totally messes up the kid.
9. Throw up barbed wire because you don’t trust your ability to defend your boundaries.  Just smile and say, “No thanks.”
10. Refuse to start because you know you’ll suck.  To be good at anything, you’ve got to be willing to be bad.
11. Beat your 4-year-old at Candy Land, no matter how tempting. Elephants never forget.
12. Allow your children to run the show.  Their sense of entitlement will know no bounds.
13. Dismiss your instincts.  If it looks like pot, smells like pot, acts like pot, it is pot.
14. Drink because you don’t want to appear socially awkward.  If you don’t want to, have seltzer instead. No one really gives a shit.
15. Go to the grocery store in filthy sweatpants.  You WILL see that old friend from high school, the one who looks like Angelina fucking Jolie, guaranteed.
16. Forget to call your pals for months on end.
17. Fail to listen or read carefully.  People get their feelings hurt when you don’t pay close attention.
18. Cut immediately to the chase.  Some folks need more verbal foreplay.
19. Leave your 15-year-old home alone for the weekend because he says, “No worries, Mom, you can trust me.”
20. Sit there hoping the problem will solve itself.
21. Obsess about your weight.  Fuck it if you gain 5 pounds.
22. Eat, when all you really want is a 10-minute break.  Take the break.
23. Be so damn sarcastic.  Most people don’t think it’s cute.
24. Run from confrontation.  Back away, and you become a doormat.
25. Have sex with someone because you’d like to learn his language.
26. Date someone who is older than your father.
27. Move to the Middle East because you think it sounds exotic.
28. Send your daughter to France for a year at 16.
29. Assume everybody thinks the way you do.
30. Drink so damn much coffee.
31. Assume some guy knows better simply because he has a penis.
32. Say yes, when everything inside you begs to say no.
33. Wait so long to buy a Mac computer.
34. Hesitate to wear your blessings well.
35. Worry so much what other people think. They really aren’t that interested.
36. Be defensive.  Sometimes a comment is really good feedback.
37. Steal, or cheat, instead of fessing up to resentment.
38. Trust, because you’re too lazy to check.
39. Beat yourself up for not accomplishing your impossible to-do list.
40. Cut your own bangs.
41. Perm your hair.  EVER.
42. Share mascara.
43. Try to fix your adult daughter up with charismatic strangers you meet in the airport.
44. Offer unsolicited advice.
45. Expect your parents to be more than what they are.
46. Marry someone you know from the get-go you are going to divorce.
47. Wear Capri pants.
48. Expect the Brady Bunch when you remarry.
49. Take rejection personally.  It’s a number’s game, pure and simple.
50. Ignore parking tickets, particularly the campus variety.
51. Let your kids sleep in your bed, unless you want them there when they’re 30.
52. Automatically tell people how much you paid for your outfit when they compliment you.
53. Drink a pint of whiskey when you’re babysitting.
54. Bite your tongue instead of saying what you feel.
55. Treat failure like the enemy.  It’s the very best teacher.
56. Wear high-heels while walking in New York City.
57. Try to win him over.
58. Slather baby oil on your (Norwegian) skin and hit the beach.
59. Pick up the baby the second he or she cries.  They will never learn to self-soothe. And you’ll have to shoot yourself.
60. Gossip.
61. Wear leather pants on a transcontinental flight.
62. Wait for the fear to pass, because it never will.
63. Believe that you will forgive or forget that second wife (or, for non-Muslims, the mistress.)
64. Pretend to be someone that you are not.
65. Try to control others like chess pieces.  This will not make you safe.
66. Jinx yourself by saying, “I would NEVER put up with that.”
67. Expect your children to remain cute and loving.  Nobody gets a free pass from the teenage years.
68. Look for someone else to rescue you.  Rescue your own ass!