Last we met, I was telling you about the client manuscripts I was reading, all of which deal with anxiety.
I thought these three different authors and their three different approaches will demonstrate that you can take a common topic and come at it with a (valuable) unique skew.
This next segment of The Anxiety Series is written by a doctor who specializes in the treatment of anxiety, who views the subject from the perspective of a trained psychologist.
From Dr. Sharyn Kennedy’s upcoming book with the working title, Nine Things You Never Thought Were Anxiety.
Andy calls and wants to book an urgent appointment. He says heās in an awful place ā he hasnāt slept for two days, heās not eating, and he canāt concentrate. Things are also starting to go haywire at work. Because Andy is a high-performing top executive, itās a problem when he starts to miss deadlines, canāt focus in meetings and gets behind in his communications. Andy says heās starting to panic, and he feels out of control and helpless because he really doesnāt know what to do to make things better. Whatās even worse, is that heās been in a place like this before ā and last time, the outcome was serious. He almost had a mental breakdown, and was forced to take leave from work ā something he absolutely cannot do in his current role.
I know that this is an emergency and find Andy an evening appointment time.
When he comes to my office, tall, athletic, and sun-browned, Iām surprised to see that he doesnāt look as stressed as I had expected. But, as soon as he starts talking, he tears up, looks slowly down at the floor, then struggles to drag his gaze upwards to meet mine. He tells me that heās been in a horrible turmoil since his last relationship ended. āI just canāt let go,ā he says. At this moment, it is hard to imagine that Andy is the hard-charging top executive I know him to be.
Not being able to let go for Andy means that heās constantly fantasizing about reigniting the relationship or ruminating about how it might have gone differently. He vacillates between being certain that she was the love of his life to knowing that it was an awful relationship for him, and he did the right thing by ending it. Then the pendulum swings again and he tells himself that he did really love her after all. In the next sentence he reassures himself that the relationship was not a good one for him.
āWhatās wrong with me that I canāt have a good relationship?ā he asks during our conversation. His last relationship collapsed when he discovered his girlfriend (living in another country) had moved onto another relationship. And he worries that what has happened in his past relationships is now impacting his ability to manage any sort of relationship. He says, āI need to change, but I donāt know how.ā
Even though the relationship ended three weeks ago, Andy canāt move on and canāt get over the feeling of being rejected. Part of him knows that the relationship wasnāt working well, but this logical knowledge doesnāt seem to fix his hurt feelings.
It takes a while for Andy to actually say what he thinks has been bothering him the most, but eventually I coax it out of him.
Andy winces as he says heās afraid that he will eventually end up alone.
Whenever this thought comes into his head, even dimly, Andy starts to feel panicky. His panic feels like a dark, black emptiness, which spurs the desperate desire for a relationship. Andy says that when he gets that panicky feeling, he canāt think of anything else but the breakup. He says he also canāt cope with these awful feelings. So, sometimes, he shoves the panic aside, preferring to feel ānumb,ā as he describes it.
Many times, Andy recognizes that his thoughts flip him straight into unproductive behavior. He recognizes that heās becoming needy, exhausting the goodwill of his colleagues and friends by talking endlessly about his relationship and breakup. Even though he feels their disinterest, he canāt let the subject go.
All Andy wants is for this thinking, feeling, and talking to go away. Heās sure that if he canāt manage his feelings and falls apart like last time, he will not be able to stay in his current managerial role.
Why canāt Andy let go?
Andyās emotions about his breakup are strong and acute, and his brain is trying to make sense of the hurt. Because he canāt stop thinking about the relationship, heās constantly revisiting the memory, keeping his thoughts and feelings just as fresh and raw as when the breakup happened. Each time Andy recalls the memory, heās strengthening that brain path, making it harder to forget. Brains more easily remember emotional material because weāre wired to pay more attention to emotions and people than we are to things.
The shock and disbelief Andy feels because of the breakup bring up old hurts and vulnerabilities, which in turn reinforce his current emotional state. Because heās had a number of broken relationships, he has a hard time trusting his partners, and heās afraid that heāll never feel safe in a relationship again. Andyās belief about his relationships overall seems to center on his conviction that in the end he will remain alone.
Andy typically deals with stress by taking control and fixing the problem. But this problem-solving approach means heās at a loss when heās facing emotion-based issues. Instead of simply acknowledging that a breakup is painful and allowing himself to get through the pain, Andyās problem-fixing brain keeps trying to come up with a rational way to handle inherently irrational emotions. This approach virtually guarantees that Andy wonāt be able to let go.
Why is Andy not managing his emotions well?
Andy is stuck in a thinking-feeling cycle thatās becoming increasingly negative. To understand why this cycle keeps going, letās look at a) how Andy generally manages his thoughts and feelings and b) what Andy believes about relationships.
Andy is more cerebral than he is emotional. Heās rational, analytical and loves language, and heās more likely to answer questions from his thinking brain, describing his feelings by naming his thoughts. Heās no stranger to worry and overthinking. Heās always been a worrier and is familiar with the overanalysis and negative thoughts that crowd his brain when heās under stress.
I want Andy to know that the unceasing mental chatter and ongoing rumination is feeding into his feelings and making them worse. If Andy canāt acknowledge and connect with his feelings, he will struggle to manage them, and heāll experience them over and over again.
Andy tells me that heās not used to talking about his emotions and that feelings were never discussed in his family when he was growing up. His father was a cheerful, caring and sensitive individual who kept any negative emotions well hidden. His mother, although she worried a lot, worked hard to keep things smooth and happy, too. Andy learned that difficult and unpleasant emotions should be kept under wraps – ignored, pushed away, or covered over with a distraction. When Andy experiences emotions that are awful, he now sees them as embarrassing, and assumes that they make him look weak. He instinctively does whatever he can to get rid of them. We know though, that if he tries to ignore them or push them away, they will become stickier and stronger. Thatās why Andyās struggle to let go has been futile.
When heās not trying to fix his emotions, Andy chooses to avoid them, as for most of his life, theyāve been a source of ongoing pain and discomfort. Andyās standard approach is to distract himself by running ā a sport he loves. But he can only distract himself with exercise so much. Eventually heāll have to finish his run, slow down and learn to be with his feelings. Right now, when heās faced with an emotionally fraught situation that he canāt avoid and canāt control, he becomes fearful.
The feelings that Andy has about his latest breakup match his past experiences of relationships that have left him feeling vulnerable and afraid. When he feels this way, Andyās beliefs about relationships are triggered and he experiences the awful feelings that go with the idea that heāll be left all alone. If Andy doesnāt change this belief, heāll feel trapped in the cycle of not letting go.
Why is ānot letting goā anxiety?
Because relationships are critically important to us, we humans are extremely sensitive to feelings such as rejection, abandonment, and loneliness. When we experience these feelings in relationships, even slightly, we start to feel unsafe and so become scared and anxious.
There are two things we can work on to help Andy feel less anxious around relationships. ā¦
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If you’d like to learn more about Sharyn and her work, particularly her treatment of anxiety, click HERE to view her website.