Writing
Nice Mrs. General Petraeus
November 27, 2012
Before we begin I would like to you to take a look at three pictures.
1. General Petraeus
2. Mrs. Petraeus
3. The Girlfriend
Need I say more?
OK, maybe just a little.
We fool ourselves by believing that our spouses should love us no matter what. That they should remain loyal to us– despite the additional 60 pounds and the sensible purple leisure suits–as a matter of good character. That we bear no responsibility for failing to invest in ourselves, by letting ourselves go.
But we do.
We fool ourselves by believing ourselves indispensible because we sacrifice ourselves for our kids, and our homes, and our husbands. Because we bake cookies for the PTO, and drive carpools, and make life nice for everybody else.
But the only way to become indispensible, if there is such a thing, is to value and invest in our selves. First.
After all. We teach people how to treat us. When we act like we’re worth it, others follow suit.
Just in case you’re wondering, I’ve walked a mile in both these sets of shoes: I’ve been the wife and the girlfriend. Here is what the girlfriend’s shoes look like, and Mrs. Petraeus’,
And one more thing. Just because I think it says so much. Check out the article I pulled the General’s girlfriend from.
Do I think this kind of betrayal applies only to women? Nope
Do I think this is about fat vs. thin, ugly vs. pretty, young vs. old? Nope
Do I think it’s fair? Nope
Do I understand everything about the Petreaus marriage? Nope
Or yours? Nope
But here is what I would give Mrs. Petreaus if I could. It’s called attitude.
| Beyonc̩ РIrreplaceable |
What do you need to do, what do you need to fix, to feel this way about yourself?
Do it. Because this feels damn good.
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Wow. I’ve never read anything so far off the mark. Maybe it’s because you have little knowledge of military life and/or military marriage? Is it because you feel the physical attributes of a particular partner in a marriage are more important than other attributes? I forgive the first, but not the second. While I am sure Mrs. Petraeus did do many of the “family” things you mentioned, I can assure you she did much more. Military wives (and husbands) spend a considerable amount of time apart and it’s hard to build and maintain a life when you spend so little time together. Spouses birth children alone, bury parents/grandparents, take care of seriously ill children, buy and sell houses, move constantly and pretend that every holiday is fabulous even when half of you is missing. Nearly every year. Communications are limited because they are unavailable or limited. So, the left-behind-spouse manages all that along with a job, their end of the military responsibilities and the constant fear of a black military car showing up in the driveway. It’s a long fucking day, week, month, year….after year after year. The stress is crushing. So, you can see how if someone is gone 10 months out of the year, it’s hard to stay connected and close. You end up running parallel lives out of necessity. Mrs. P clearly doesn’t have much in the way of fashion sense and probably did add a few pounds (or so) over the years. She couldn’t “put herself first” as you say, since there are not enough hours in the day. And before you argue with me, go live the life for a week. It isn’t for the faint of heart. Sounds to me like Mrs. P kept her promise.
Enter the girlfriend…who clearly has the correct shoes and is blessed with being twenty years younger and footloose and fancy free. Oh wait, HER spouse is home with the kids. I forgot. Anyway, she clearly spent more time with the General than the General’s wife did. She had time and unfettered access to the General.They had time to build a relationship. She took care of herself and put her needs first! Should she be celebrated? Somehow,I don’t think her husband is in a celebratory mood right now.
Maybe I’m missing your message. Maybe it was a bad example. Mrs. Petraeus deserved what she got because she didn’t wear the right shoes and she’s a frump? Anyone who no longer meets some physical standard of appearance should expect the same fate? That’s a slippery slope.
“But the only way to become indispensible, if there is such a thing, is to value and invest in our selves. First.” A luxury not afforded to many, my friend. Especially in the military community. It’s the SERVICE. It isn’t a “me first” thing and everybody suffers.
Oh, and please don’t pull crossfit into it. That too, holds a strong connection to the military, honor, commitment, integrity. They would not be amused. And neither am I.
Speaking to another avenue of being a military spouse…I too have been there. I too was exhausted, terrified, overwhelmed…it takes a special kind of person to endure alone what most couples clearly experience together. The sacrifices made to make your family whole when one member is gone can be daunting. However, I knew what I was getting myself into when I signed up for DW duty…dependent wife…quite a phrase, don’t you think?? You’re technically a married single mother.
I was a strong, confident, INndependent woman when I married into the military, and am ever grateful for the opportunity. Oh, the places we have seen! Yes it was lonely, yes it was difficult at times, but the joys outweighed the sorrows. I made sure that my children had a wonderful, happy, loving home, even more so when their Dad was away.
Did I cry? Yes I did…at times, even in from of them. How else would they know that it was alright for them to feel the same??
Did I worry about him dallying with another when he was away? Of course!! You’d not be human if you didn’t. Hey, if it was going to happen…while he was away for months at a time…on a ship…in the middle of the ocean…with women aboard…it could also have happened in our back yard on dry land. I made the choice to stay healthy, happy and fit. In fact, working out was the one thing that I could do for myself, by myself. I let my children know how important it was to me, and that it took nothing away from them. Yoga in the morning, after dropping them at the bus stop before my 10 hour work day, was sometimes my one and only salvation.
This is not to say that General I~can’t~keep~it~in~my~pants would not have done the utterly predictable if Mrs P had kept herself more appealing on the outside…if someone is going to stray, they’re going to stray, and there’s not a blessed thing you can do about it. Be good to your mind, your body, and your spirit…
No guarantees. Look at Halle Berre. She had a series of husbands who made the General look like a saint. But, you will not be saved by giving it all away. The pay back you think should rightfully be yours, what would only be fair in the light of your sacrifice, will often be denied. We are responsible for our own well being. We MUST take care of ourselves because that is how we maintain our presence. That’s how we let other people know we take ourselves seriously. I just love your comment, Jackie. I have no doubt you are a wonderful mother and wife.
Wow. I’ve never read anything so far off the mark. Maybe it’s because you have little knowledge of military life and/or military marriage? Is it because you feel the physical attributes of a particular partner in a marriage are more important than other attributes? I forgive the first, but not the second. While I am sure Mrs. Petraeus did do many of the “family” things you mentioned, I can assure you she did much more. Military wives (and husbands) spend a considerable amount of time apart and it’s hard to build and maintain a life when you spend so little time together. Spouses birth children alone, bury parents/grandparents, take care of seriously ill children, buy and sell houses, move constantly and pretend that every holiday is fabulous even when half of you is missing. Nearly every year. Communications are limited because they are unavailable or limited. So, the left-behind-spouse manages all that along with a job, their end of the military responsibilities and the constant fear of a black military car showing up in the driveway. It’s a long fucking day, week, month, year….after year after year. The stress is crushing. So, you can see how if someone is gone 10 months out of the year, it’s hard to stay connected and close. You end up running parallel lives out of necessity. Mrs. P clearly doesn’t have much in the way of fashion sense and probably did add a few pounds (or so) over the years. She couldn’t “put herself first” as you say, since there are not enough hours in the day. And before you argue with me, go live the life for a week. It isn’t for the faint of heart. Sounds to me like Mrs. P kept her promise.
Enter the girlfriend…who clearly has the correct shoes and is blessed with being twenty years younger and footloose and fancy free. Oh wait, HER spouse is home with the kids. I forgot. Anyway, she clearly spent more time with the General than the General’s wife did. She had time and unfettered access to the General.They had time to build a relationship. She took care of herself and put her needs first! Should she be celebrated? Somehow,I don’t think her husband is in a celebratory mood right now.
Maybe I’m missing your message. Maybe it was a bad example. Mrs. Petraeus deserved what she got because she didn’t wear the right shoes and she’s a frump? Anyone who no longer meets some physical standard of appearance should expect the same fate? That’s a slippery slope.
“But the only way to become indispensible, if there is such a thing, is to value and invest in our selves. First.” A luxury not afforded to many, my friend. Especially in the military community. It’s the SERVICE. It isn’t a “me first” thing and everybody suffers.
Oh, and please don’t pull crossfit into it. That too, holds a strong connection to the military, honor, commitment, integrity. They would not be amused. And neither am I.
Speaking to another avenue of being a military spouse…I too have been there. I too was exhausted, terrified, overwhelmed…it takes a special kind of person to endure alone what most couples clearly experience together. The sacrifices made to make your family whole when one member is gone can be daunting. However, I knew what I was getting myself into when I signed up for DW duty…dependent wife…quite a phrase, don’t you think?? You’re technically a married single mother.
I was a strong, confident, INndependent woman when I married into the military, and am ever grateful for the opportunity. Oh, the places we have seen! Yes it was lonely, yes it was difficult at times, but the joys outweighed the sorrows. I made sure that my children had a wonderful, happy, loving home, even more so when their Dad was away.
Did I cry? Yes I did…at times, even in from of them. How else would they know that it was alright for them to feel the same??
Did I worry about him dallying with another when he was away? Of course!! You’d not be human if you didn’t. Hey, if it was going to happen…while he was away for months at a time…on a ship…in the middle of the ocean…with women aboard…it could also have happened in our back yard on dry land. I made the choice to stay healthy, happy and fit. In fact, working out was the one thing that I could do for myself, by myself. I let my children know how important it was to me, and that it took nothing away from them. Yoga in the morning, after dropping them at the bus stop before my 10 hour work day, was sometimes my one and only salvation.
This is not to say that General I~can’t~keep~it~in~my~pants would not have done the utterly predictable if Mrs P had kept herself more appealing on the outside…if someone is going to stray, they’re going to stray, and there’s not a blessed thing you can do about it. Be good to your mind, your body, and your spirit…
No guarantees. Look at Halle Berre. She had a series of husbands who made the General look like a saint. But, you will not be saved by giving it all away. The pay back you think should rightfully be yours, what would only be fair in the light of your sacrifice, will often be denied. We are responsible for our own well being. We MUST take care of ourselves because that is how we maintain our presence. That’s how we let other people know we take ourselves seriously. I just love your comment, Jackie. I have no doubt you are a wonderful mother and wife.
“What I left out is that it’s not about fat vs. thin, pretty vs ugly. It’s about attitude. So many of us feel “safe” being the sacraficial lamb in a marriage. Doing for others and completely forgetting about ourselves. Sacrifice is never failsafe. If we invest in ourselves, in our growth–physical, mental, emotional, others will invest in us as well.”
Glad you added this…totally clarified your message.
Sometimes I forget that other people can’t follow my train of thought. Particularly when it stays in my head. Go figure.
“What I left out is that it’s not about fat vs. thin, pretty vs ugly. It’s about attitude. So many of us feel “safe” being the sacraficial lamb in a marriage. Doing for others and completely forgetting about ourselves. Sacrifice is never failsafe. If we invest in ourselves, in our growth–physical, mental, emotional, others will invest in us as well.”
Glad you added this…totally clarified your message.
Sometimes I forget that other people can’t follow my train of thought. Particularly when it stays in my head. Go figure.