On occasion, I’ll take on a complete manuscript and work with the author to identify what ails it, suggest a better structure (or even genre), pinpoint what’s missing, what generic tidbits need to be cut. Often, I have to sit with it a bit before the center of the story occurs to me, before I understand how the pieces should be woven together for a more satisfying read. All that being said, I found myself drawn to this chapter yesterday. Basically because, as someone raised among some seriously socially awkward, anxious people, I saw myself in these lines. I found myself taking mental notes: next time you want to blend into the wallpaper, try this. So, I’d like to thank Cliff Holtermann for allowing me to share this with you today.

After struggling for many years, harboring feelings of anxiety or fear, I have learned that when I feel a surge of this adrenaline or emotional energy, I can decide how I want to react to it.  I accept this is my body providing me with the energy that I need to handle the situation.  And in making that decision, it does indeed feel as if I am riding the emotional wave instead of being drowned by it.

The picture I now have of my old habit of dealing with fear by delving deeper into my brain is one of an ostrich sticking its head into a hole.  When you stick your head in a hole by becoming ensnared in your own thoughts, you find yourself surrounded by darkness and are unable to actually confront what is happening.  Now when I feel myself slipping into a dark hole, I am able to get myself out of it much more easily by doing the following:

One of the best antidotes to feelings of alienation and unworthiness—because this underlies fear and anxiety—is the feeling of gratefulness.  Alienation and unworthiness focus the attention on what one believes is missing from one’s life.  Being grateful to God or the universal spirit for your existence; being grateful for what blessings you have in your life helps you to appreciate your surroundings and those who have helped such blessings be possible in your life.  Feeling entitled to things that you do not possess without working for them is a sure way not to get them.  I find that asking for help (spiritually and practically) in order to achieve my goals is much more effective.  It is important that I sit quietly and focus on a situation to receive guidance as to the direction that I should move.  Discussing a situation with a more knowledgeable person is also helpful.  Don’t expect to be able to do or to figure out everything on your own.

But there are things we can do on our own.  Someone recently said to me that anxiety and excitement are the same emotion.  The only difference is the breath.  When we are anxious, the breath is quick and shallow.  We can become aware of the breath and use the breath to change the emotion.

A simple technique to combat stress uses the breath mindfully.  When breathing in, I say to myself, Breath in joy, or I am breathing in joy.  When breathing out, I say to myself, Breath out stress, or I am breathing out stress.  I find that it immediately changes my internal state of being.  It can also be helpful to breathe through my eyes (such as looking intently at clouds while feeling like the breath is entering through my eyes).

I find it very effective to check in with my body.  When I am feeling anxiety, I notice whether my body is poorly aligned so that the top of my head is pulled back and my chin is pointed more upwards, my shoulders are raised, and my breathing is shallow.  By consciously correcting this posture, my body tends to relax.  The first thing I check is my chin.  I lower my chin, which also lengthens the back of my neck and opens my connection to spirit.  Then I focus on relaxing my neck and releasing the top of my back slightly backwards, while lowering my shoulders and releasing them slightly forward.  Then I relax my lower back.  What I am looking to do is to have the top of my head pointing upwards, while lengthening my spine.  Moving into this position will align my body.  I know my body is in the right position when my breathing becomes easier.

When I am alone in a room and my mind has drifted into darkness, I have found it extremely helpful to set an intention in my mind to find the light.  I then take a deep breath and reach out fervently with my heart and implore the divine spirit of the universe to walk with me into the light.  While continuing to focus on only that request, I am able to move past the internal chatter in my brain, and wait a few moments to receive divine intervention.  I pray or meditate depending on the situation and the circumstances.  This breaks the internal chatter of the mind.  I acknowledge to myself that the emotion I am feeling at the moment (fear, anxiety, depression) is not “me,” and that I can choose to accept and change the emotion.

If I’m in a room with other people and am feeling uneasy, I have found that this helps me:  I quickly scan my torso to understand how it is reacting to the people in the room.  Often, the muscles in my abdomen are being tightly held, as if I am preparing to receive a blow to the stomach.  This position makes me on edge, and forces my breath to be shallow.  I can change this by making a mental note that I want to join the group.  Then, instead of trying to rigidly hold myself together as an entity that is separate from everyone else, I breathe the energy of the room slowly and deeply into my belly.  I let my mind relax, and calmly attend to what is happening in the room.  In a very short while, by simply breathing in the energy of the room, I have become attuned to its energy.  When I am attuned to the energy of the room, I no longer feel separate from everyone else.  I am now one with the group, and can readily join in if that is my intention.

This seems to be the great paradox.  In order to become more at ease with myself, I must not build walls around myself to become more apart from everyone else.  I must relax, and become more connected to everyone else.  We are each alone; yet we are all connected through the universal energy of spirit.  Breathing in the universal energy calms the internal spirit, and chases away the shadows that block the light.  It is important for me to have time alone for myself, but to not carry that sense of aloneness when I am with others.

When we connect to others, we are walking into the light.  When we put walls around ourselves, we block the light.

When someone else attempts to draw divisions between us and others, they are asking us to train our minds to see duality in the world.  They are asking us to walk into darkness.