Here’s an eye opener. When we women don’t dare to dream or recognize our purpose, we end up placing too much emphasis on a man or our babies. When we don’t know what we want, we end up “wanting” what they want.
See, if you don’t have a desires of your own, you end up living someone elses’.
That’s why you spend your summers fly-fishing instead of hitting the Louvre. That’s why you have football jerseys for a dozen teams , or ticket stubs from Def Leppard concerts. That’s why you have a lounge chair with a beverage holder, and a deer head in your living room. And you’ve seen Sesame Street on ice more than you’d care to shake a stick at. That’s why you’re caught in some suburban purgatory near your in-laws, instead of living where you’d really like.
When you want what your man (or kids) wants you to want, you become, in essence, the Runaway Bride. You remember this scene between Julia Roberts and Richard Geere? I do. Because it still scares the shit out of me. It still makes me examine my motivation for climbing mountains.
It’s only natural that, after enough years of living other people’s dreams, you can’t remember—with a gun to your head– what you wanted to be when you grew up,. What you enjoy. What makes you feel alive. What’s fun. What kind of eggs you like.
And here’s the kicker. Men don’t always hang around, and babies grow up, God Willing, and move away. And you’re left sitting at the kitchen table with a cold cup of coffee wondering why you feel so hollow. Or worse, why you’re experiencing such rage.
At some point in your life you need to accept that your feelings are as credible and important, more so, as those of your loved ones. You have to be ok with the fact that you have desires. That you’re not some selfish bitch because you want what you want. And you–gasp–dare to express it.
I love Mama Gena. She’s a woman in New York who runs The School of Womanly Arts. (Isn’t that such a great title?!) We share very much the same mission. Mama Gena teaches women how to use the power of pleasure to have their way with the world. (I know! What a slut!) I encourage women to regain a sense of their sassy selves by pursuing a big, hairy, audacious goal of their choosing.
Here’s what Mama Gena has to say about desires:
In our culture we are taught that pleasure is frivolous, dangerous and unproductive. There are so many negative viewpoints surrounding pleasure, but pleasure is of the utmost importance, because it is the connective tissue between a human being and her own life force.
By helping you tap into the very center of your pleasure and speak the language of your desires, we will teach you how to use the power of pleasure to have your way with the world. By fanning the flames of your desires, you open the door to pleasure and fun for everyone. Your desires spring forth, and your life changes; your life changes, and the world follows suit—this is the magnificence and power of a lit-up woman.
And here’s what Suzanne Falter-Barns— a thought leader on joy– says about the neccesity of owning our desires (this after her 22-year-old daughter suddenly passed away):
We are run by our desires for good reason – not because they are meant to shame us, but because they are meant to enlighten us as we enlighten others. These are our purest desires, not those that do us or any other harm; they are the pure gold and silver born of love and gratitude.And this living river of desire pours through us freely … but only when we let it. It is this desire that suggests instincts to follow and talents to pursue, friendships to begin and adventures to have. Yet, most of us are afraid of such freedom – for to ‘unplug’ and follow your desires carries with it so much uncertainty.
At such times, however, uncertainty truly is to be trusted.
Self-knowledge and courage are required to allow our deep, true cravings, our feelings, our desires to see the light of day.
Isn’t it time you discover and courageously live your deepest desires?
Dreams and goals and desires are for you, not just for other people.
Wouldn’t you love to become a walking billboard of what it means to be living your dreams?
Wouldn’t you like to model that for your daughters?
How do you uncover the dreams you’ve assumed are long dead? How do you open the door to your passion, sense of purpose, and connection?
My favorite tool is the Bucket List. Creating a master list of the 101 things you’d like to do, be, or have before it’s your turn to drop dead. If you’d like, my nosy little Nelly, to get a gander at my Bucket List, click here.
Take some time this week to develop your own Bucket List. Write it out for yourself. Don’t show it to anybody. Put down you’re most selfish, petty, decadent, unrealistic, expensive, ridiculous wishes.
I’ll say it right now, so you can tell me to fuck off and get on with your day. How dare you, you selfish, selfish, bitch!
You ok? You survive my opinion? Good. Now get a move on satisfying your wants
