The other day I got a very nice note from a woman living in Rome named Sile. This is what she said:
I’d love to read some articles on how you would set boundaries with older generation. I have an aunt who has a particular talent: in her presence I turn into a silent, a little fearful and sullen teenager – she demands ‘respect’ and 90% of the time, feels slighted by everyone, can be quite snide. When she turns her attention to me, I act as if I don’t hear them but truth is that I have no answer … until much later in front of the mirror with ‘I shoulda said…bla bla’. At 44 I’m a bit embarrassed I still act like this, I’ve tapped on myself, done forgiveness exercises but every time it’s the same story. I kinda think she has a borderline narcissistic personality but this still doesn’t excuse my reaction. Any tips on really becoming the woman and growing out of the teenage habits?
First of all, I love answering these sorts of questions. So, by all means, keep them coming, folks.
Secondly, I’m going to remind you what boundaries are. Then I’m going to tell you a little story.
Boundaries are all about knowing what is yours, and what belongs to other people. What is your responsibility, what is theirs.
So, a couple of years ago, Walt was having issues with his mom. She was doing what mothers are known to do, sticking her nose in everybody’s business and stirring up shit. Her unsolicited advice and misplaced sympathies created a familial cluster-fuck. And boy did this piss off Walt.
Now, before I continue, I’d like to describe my mother-in-law. She’s a sweet, 82-year-old woman confined to a wheel chair. You have to lean in real close to read her lips because you can barely hear her wobbly voice. Despite her helpless condition, however, she is one of the nicest, most welcoming, generous women I have ever known. And one of the strongest.
Here’s how Walt dealt with the violation of his boundaries.
So, Sile, here’s what I would say to you:
Going home and feeling ticked off is a really good sign that you’re not speaking your truth. You feel bad because you are not in integrity with yourself.
The next time your aunt says something crappy, you should say, “What you’ve just said really upsets me. I don’t like when you say that.”
No need to create a big scene. If your aunt chooses to make it catastrophic, that’s her choice. But we are allowed to speak our truth with love, respect, and honesty. It is our right and our duty.
No need to be angry, Darling. Operate as if it doesn’t matter. People will learn what you’ll tolerate or do.
This is not about changing your aunt. It’s about owning your own boundaries and learning to trust your self.
Nipping your aunt is a wonderful exercise. Think of it as a chance to practice and gain assertiveness so you’ll be ready to nurture a far more meaningful and enduring relationship (with someone who is not a miserable bitch).
Finally, when you are hit with confusion, unsure if you even have the right to be mad at something ridiculous this woman has just said, ask yourself this: What would Walt do?
I hope this helps.
