Picking up the pieces after financial and emotional bankruptcy, Ann Peck, host of Straight Talk for a Curvy World, revisits the secrets that shaped her self-concept and self-doubt.  Sex, failed relationships, codependency, parenting mistakes, they’re all there in her unblinking search for empowerment and self-love. This is an excerpt from her soon to be released book.

After months of prodding by Drew, I finally agreed to try the lifestyle again. He promised it would be different this time, yet getting ready for “dates” didn’t feel different at all.

I never knew what to wear, and would try on multiple outfits before finally settling on one Drew said looked sexy. I’d try on dresses, from all flowered to the tight, black sweater variety. I’d try on numerous skirts, each one getting shorter, until they barely covered my butt. Then the tops where the button-down blouses always bulged–and I knew Drew would tell me to just undo the button causing the problem–which made me extremely uncomfortable. The sweaters were low-cut and always tight. I hated seeing my “back fat” outlined by my bra strap. And Drew always suggested I go bra-less, because I looked great. Surgery had made my breasts smaller. Surgery had made me fuller. Surgery had not made me perky. In my mind, going without a bra and looking hot, was not a subsequent benefit from the surgery that Drew had paid for a mere six months into our dating relationship. For Drew, it was always about me looking hot. Although, in hindsight, it was probably more accurate that Drew liked me to look slutty.

We were meeting the latest couple, a lawman and his wife, at a little place about twenty miles away from our home. Drew said we didn’t want to risk running into people we knew, even though we were going to a place we had been many times before. I suggested this place because I felt safe there. It was familiar to me, and I felt more comfortable there than some place I’d never been, especially since he worked in law enforcement.

Simply by agreeing to meet them, I secretly felt as though we were about to go down the bottomless rabbit hole and that I’d never get out. I was scared and didn’t tell Drew. He would simply try to convince me that I was overreacting. Maybe I was.

There was also a summer festival going on that evening, one that attracted people from all around the area, including the area where my kids were going to school. How was I going to explain being with this other couple if anyone saw us? You know how when you lose your virginity or get your period for the first time, you’re convinced everyone can tell? It was like that. I was convinced anyone that saw the four of us would know we were planning to swap partners and have sex together.

I was nervous as usual. I was worried that I would shut down and not talk, which always made Drew mad. I was worried Drew wouldn’t stay next to me, and I’d be left on my own to deal with this other man. I was afraid Drew would become so focused on getting with this other woman that he’d forget I was there. I was afraid it would be a repeat of past experiences where Drew would be fondling another woman under the table or she would fondle him while a man would be attempting to do the same with me.

Drew kept telling me to relax and have fun, saying, “I don’t know why you’re so worried. It’s just dinner. Let’s just go and have fun. If you’re not comfortable, we’ll leave.”
I didn’t dare start a fight as we were getting ready to go, but I knew: We never left these situations when I was uncomfortable. It was always the same. I’d get uncomfortable, pinch Drew’s leg over and over to get his attention; he’d cover my hand with his, pull me close and smile. But we’d never leave. Not ever.