I have a coaching client named Bill.  No surprises here, Bill’s a people-pleaser, a real nice guy.  You’d love him. (He’s single now, so if anybody out there is looking for a nice guy, let me know.)

Once upon a time, Bill was working as an accountant at a mid-sized corporation.  He had his eyes set on his boss’s job, the CFO position.  He figured he’d be a shoe in because he loved balance sheets, and corporate buyouts, and valuations, and all that eye-glazing numbers stuff. If there was a problem in another state, he’d be the man flown in to set things right.

Our man Bill worked hard.  Without being asked, he stayed in the office long after everyone left, and he was always the first one in.  On weekends, he came in, alone, so he could get his department’s figures together for month’s end.  He considered himself a real team player.  Always prepared, always going the extra mile, always making himself available when others needed information, he was going to get ahead because he was the amenable one.

It so happens that Bill’s wife was freaking rip-shit.  He was missing their kids’ events and connection time with her.  If he wasn’t in the office, Bill was at night school taking courses towards his MBA. Sure, she respected the fact that he wanted for his family, that he had a commendable work ethic, but she sensed he was going about the ladder-climbing thing all wrong. Despite the arguments, Bill kept his head down at home and avoided confrontation.  The sacrifice would pay off ten fold, he told himself. The company owed him. They would take care of him. And his wife would eat her words, what with the huge payoff.

Bill was patient.  He bided his time. For 5 whole years.

And eventually the time did come.  His boss, the CFO, was moving to greener pastures.  Bill was ready. He’d done everything right.  He’d gone above and beyond the call of duty.  He’d done the extra education, and sacrificed his family life.   He could DO the job in his sleep. He waited with bated breath to get the tap on the shoulder.

Except he didn’t get the job.  The powers that be gave it to someone else. Someone savvy and assertive and charismatic, someone who had formed a relationship with the president of the company out on the golf course.

Suddenly Bill realized that he was just another worker bee, another peon. He felt humiliated and used.

See, he believed that he DESERVED the promotion. That he’d EARNED it. That he was OWED. He couldn’t understand what had gone wrong.

And here’s the first moral of this story:  You get what you negotiate, not what you deserve.

Afraid to seem pushy or aggressive or too eager—which is what so many of us nice folks worry about—Bill had avoided those important positioning conversations. He hadn’t asked his superiors to clarify their expectations or requirements for the position. He hadn’t asked outright for what he wanted.  He’d never formally or informally tossed his hat into the ring.

The truth was, he hadn’t asked the important questions because he was afraid of the answers.  He was afraid that somehow he didn’t measure up and never would. He didn’t want to see his superior’s lack of interest because then he would have to slink out of the office and quit his job.

Uncertainty and change are scary for people-pleasers, which is ironic because we seem to avoid certainty and reality at all cost.

And here’s the second moral of our story: People do business with people they respect and like.

Bill had gotten the “like” part of the equation down, but he hadn’t captured the respect part.

We respect those who respect themselves; it’s just human nature.  We respect those who:

• see to their own needs
• make their wants and desires known
• show assertiveness
• have the tough conversations when they need a reality check
• operate with defined expectations and agreements
• honor their own time and energy

We do NOT respect those who:

• run themselves ragged
• betray their own interests
• try too hard to make us like them
• can’t say no
• give away the shop for free

Which conversation have you been avoiding because you might not like the answer?

What expectation do you need to bring out in the open?

Do you treat yourself well enough to garner respect?