As part of a series of posts showcasing the different subjects, styles, and voices of my clients, I’d like to introduce you to A.J. Wasserstein. This is an excerpt from his upcoming book, one that he’s chosen to write for his son, a gift of life advice on the eve of  the young man’s departure for college.

 

Who you are, what your character is at the core, is much more important than what you achieve and accomplish.

Mom and I have been told by teachers, coaches and your own peers that you are incredibly nice, thoughtful and kind.   I am very proud of this because it shows how special you are. We have often heard, and I am not engaging hyperbole here, that you are the nicest student a teacher has taught.  Being kind, thoughtful and nice does not appear on a report card nor is it listed in who scored the most goals in a soccer game, but this is exactly the type of virtue that matters in this world. It goes to the core of who a person is rather than what they have achieved.

In April of 2015, David Brooks, a columnist for The New York Times, authored a wonderful column contrasting a life focused on resume virtues and a life focused on eulogy virtues.  I hope you find the time to read the column, or better yet the book, The Road to Character, on which the column is based.  This is a powerful and complex topic.

Brooks introduces the notion that there are two sets of virtues in life.  I am going to extract the article here rather than attempt to better Brooks:

…there were two sets of virtues, the résumé virtues and the eulogy virtues. The résumé virtues are the skills you bring to the marketplace. The eulogy virtues are the ones that are talked about at your funeral — whether you were kind, brave, honest or faithful. Were you capable of deep love?

This is worth thinking about and exploring.

I think that resume virtues tend to be centered around yourself and focused on measurable achievement and accomplishment, while eulogy virtues are indicative of who you are and what your character is at the core – these are outward centered. Your eulogy virtues, by the way, are likely the words and concepts that you penned in your Mission Statement and in the core values exercise.  These are the elements of who you are that hopefully correlate with how people view you as a person.

The problem is, just about every single message you receive as a young adult is keyed in on resume virtues–who gets awards at school, what gets lionized in magazines and newspapers, what, as a community, we hold up as success.  These tend to be things that are accomplishment oriented.  These are about doing and achieving rather than about being and character.

This is further exacerbated by the deification of celebrities and their sometimes-tawdry behavior. No wonder eulogy virtues end up taking a back seat.

Think about what gets celebrated in the media: it is all about people who accomplish.  I understand this because those are easy stories to write about.  But, there are many anonymous people who are fundamentally good, and as Brooks describes in his excellent column, they radiate an inner light– these people are often not as celebrated as those with resume virtues.

My friend Rick, a professor at Harvard Business School, once shared a tale with me about a hard-driving investment banker who sadly died prematurely.  At his funeral, speakers regaled the mourners with stories of assiduous work and deal-making skills.  One anecdote highlighted the fact that the banker once mistakenly packed two left shoes for an important business trip and he trudged through the day of meetings with two left wingtips, still making the deals.  While I admire this cute story, it seems a bit empty that a person is remembered by his deal-making skills rather than his relationships and character.

I hope people remember me for who I am and how I acted rather than what I did and achieved.

I must admit that when I was younger I was very resume virtue oriented.  I was on lots of lists for being young and successful and appeared in more than my fair share of newspapers and magazines.  As I have matured I more fully relate to and understand what Brooks is describing and do not want my life to be about resume virtues. I want it to be more about eulogy virtues.

You will, of course, have a combination of virtues in your life, and you need to.  The trick is to get them in the combination and balance that you want and choose and not let the resume part of your virtues drown out your eulogy virtues.