A few years back, Walt gave me a sailing course for my birthday.

So, I’m on this 40-foot boat with five strange women for an entire weekend when I meet the Guiness Book of World Record’s champion nice girl.

You would have recognized her, too.

She was the one who IMMEDIATELY volunteered to sleep on top of the washer and dryer in a makeshift berth because there weren’t enough bunks to go around.

She was the one who got underfoot at every meal trying to help the captain cook in a 3X3 galley.

She was the one who jumped to clear the table every night so the rest of us could “enjoy the stars.”

She was the one who apologized profusely every time she didn’t learn something fast enough, like how to trim the sails, or drop anchor.

She was the one who kept the conversation rolling when everyone else had gone quiet.

Actually, she never shut up. Not once.

I learned a lot about sailing that weekend, but more; I learned some ugly truths about people pleasing.

Ah, people pleasing, the old smoke and mirrors effect that keeps on failing.

Now here’s what I realized that fateful weekend.

By frantically trying to please other people, we announce to the world –with a gigantic bullhorn– that we don’t feel worthy.

We become a doormat for others to walk on.  Or worse, that anxious person no one can stand to have around.

Pay attention to Nice Girls (and Nice Guys).  You’ll see what I mean.

I’m at a Tony Robbins conference this week, and I’ve been sitting next to a woman who underlines my point.  Uncomfortable in her own skin, she keeps turning to the folks next to her and nervously smiling, offering them mints, volunteering to get up and get them a glass of water because she’s going after some for herself.  Every jacket that falls on the floor in a 3 mile radius, she’s there to pick it up.

I’m ready to shoot her, and myself.

I’ve gotten really sensitized to my own Nice Girl ways.

It helps to be married to Walt.  My little Honey Badger, he don’t care. He could have a line of cars honking behind him, and he’d sit behind the wheel as cool as a summer breeze.  He’s got something important to deal with: folks will just have to wait.

Remember this scene from Anger Management?

Well, Jack Nicholson is my Walt.

I’m a pretty big fan of immersion therapy.  I believe that the best way to get rid of your fear of snakes is to crawl right into bed with them.

The best way to get rid of your fear of displeasing people?

No, you don’t have to crawl into bed with them. Silly.  (Although that’s often what Nice Girls do.)

It’s to experiment with that edge.

If you suspect you suffer from the Nice Girl Complex, I invite you to pick something from this list and have a go. Because, honey, it’s time to cure yourself. Before you drive perfectly lovely people away.

Do it this week.

• Take the last piece
• Ask for the best table
• Leave that goddamned jacket on the floor
• Let the waiter stack the plates
• Elbow in on the armrest
• Put your luggage on the empty seat beside you
• Speak up to the manager if you’re dissatisfied
• Special order off the menu.  Have them remove the onions, and give you a side salad instead of potatoes. And hold the cheese. And the tomatoes. And  get the extra croutons.
• Ignore the phone, refuse to answer it when it rings
• Ignore the doorbell, even though they know you’re home
• Wait for the choice parking space, even if there are 3 cars behind you
• Put your money away neatly before you pull away from the ATM
• Unless you are asked, sit while the hostess clears the table
• Watch somebody else wash your dishes while you sip your coffee
• Get a foot rub without insisting on giving one in return
• Poop in a public restroom
• Show up 10 minutes late, just once
• Tell them you can’t make it; offer no excuse
• Send your food back to the kitchen if something is off
• Call your parents and tell them you’re not coming for Thanksgiving.  Or Christmas.
• Tell your kids you’ve decided they’ll need to take out student loans
• Wait one full minute before you say anything after someone stops speaking. Let that silence REALLY hang in the air.

You’ll send the message that you care about yourself, which allows others to care for you, too.