Here’s the thing.  The more you put yourself out there–on the stage or on the page–the more criticism you will draw.  It’s just the way the world works. As Dale Carnegie used to say, “No one kicks a dead dog.”

I had to learn how to tolerate the stuff, otherwise I’d end up in jail.

You might not know this to look at me, but I’m an extremely defended personality. Criticize me for anything I harbor insecurities about, and I’ll take you apart limb by limb in my twisted imagination. I’ve been known to play Rambo-like revenge scenes in my head for hours on end. I can be very immature that way.

Sidebar:  people tend to judge us for that which we judge in ourselves. Think about that one for a minute.

Several years back, I ran across an email exchange between Tony Robbins and one of his critics. It was there on the net when, for some reason I can no longer remember, I’d  Googled Tony Robbins’ wife.

Robbins’ response to this VERY PERSONAL, VERY PUBLIC criticism taught me an important lesson, one I intend to share: The best way to handle criticism is to use it as a teaching opportunity. To turn unadulterated, nasty shit into gold for not just you, but for the rest of your audience.

Look, you’re going to feel the punch in the gut, particularly when a critic publicly attacks, not your work or opinion, but your person.  You’re going to want to hide in the basement and never show your face in society again, or buy a shoulder-held grenade launcher in mint and take the fucker out, neither option being feasible. (I’m pretty sure those launchers only come in desert khaki, gunmetal, or Army green, not that I’ve searched for them or anything.)

I thought I’d share the exchange, first the critic, then Robbins’ response, so you can see precisely what I mean. Like him or not, the man is a master.

 You teach people about love and romance and finding the perfect partner. So what became of your first wife…Becky? You divorced her? Don’t you think that’s hypocritical?!

 

Dear XXX,

Thank you so much for your e-mail. First, I want to apologize for this belated reply. My intense seminar and travel schedule, along with my business and family responsibilities, have taken a big bite out of my time. However, I wanted to respond personally and acknowledge the time you took to think of me.

I’ve worked for years to create and present the most innovative, entertaining, and empowering materials possible. However, I know my technology is worthwhile when I receive notes
from people like you who are not only emotionally touched by my work, but more importantly, are taking action on what they’ve learned. To know that in some small way I’ve made a difference for at least one person and that I have helped them to begin to create the quality of life they truly deserve is what drives me most.

I appreciate your interest in my former marriage. The strategies I share with my audience to guide them on the path to more fulfilling relationships are based on my own personal experience and the knowledge I have gained from working with people from 80 different countries for more than a quarter of a century. Relationships are one of the single most important areas of our lives and one of the greatest opportunities for fulfillment or pain. The secret is making certain the person you select shares your values and vision. Some relationships cannot continue to be fulfilling because the two people have different visions for their lives or have learned to value different things.

While I offer many tools for enhancing relationships, I have never led my audience to believe that the path to a successful relationship would be to stay in a relationship where after deep, honest communication and soul searching both people discover that they do not share the same life vision. Any relationship can be made to work, but when people’s values and life directions are extremely different they must compromise. Continuous compromise means a compromised life for both parties. That is when difficult decisions need to be made.

Deciding to end my relationship with my former wife Becky was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. I am extremely proud of our 14-year relationship. When I entered the marriage at the age of 24 I immediately embraced the responsibilities of being a father to a 17-year-old son, an 11-year-old daughter, and a 5-year-old son. I remained in that marriage until my children were grown and I realized that I did not share a life vision with my former wife. At that time I chose to take the necessary actions to pursue a life in which I could be more fulfilled. Sometime later I met Sage, my lovely wife, whom I met coincidentally through a business relationship, and married a year later. We have been together for a blissful two and a half years.