Right now, a lot of my clients and colleagues are confused about the current business environment.

Times are hard, what with the quarantine situation, what with lots of people losing their jobs, so should they be trying to sell things right now?

Shouldn’t they just offer their programs for free?

Focus all their time and energy on supporting their communities instead of promoting, say, a launch?

Now, I’m a huge proponent of having free offerings. Provide someone a super useful PDF that solves an urgent problem, and you’ve gone a long way towards helping those who can’t afford your services AND developing long-term relationships with potential clients. None of us can do well without giving a lot of great information away for free. Let’s be clear.

No surprises here, I’m also a huge fan of having a book out in the world that helps others. A book is one of the best low-barrier-to-entry offers one can have in their arsenal. I give mine away for free all the time, or offer it for a super low price at other times, because I like knowing that I can save folks time and grief.

But I’m talking about something entirely different.

Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of business shaming. (Laura Belgray used this term recently and I loved it.)

There seems to be a morally superior stance at play that says, “If you’re NOT giving away the farm for free, then you’re a profiteer.”

I mean, if you’ve suddenly taken up selling crystal meth to working parents trying to get shit done with kids at home, this might be a valid point. Otherwise, WTF?!

Now, before I get going on my toot, I think I should admit to a tendency to project my experience onto other people. I’d make a shitty therapist for this reason alone: I assume everyone thinks like I do and I superimpose my experiences onto others. I see people-pleasing and co-dependency and ACOA stuff everywhere I look.

That being said, I’d like to invite you to consider your motivation for cutting your prices or giving everything you’ve ever created away for free or refraining from making an offer during this time of stress. I’d like you to consider the possibility that you just might have an ulterior motive that won’t serve you well in the end.

In particular, if you believe that by sacrificing yourself (and your financial wellbeing) for others now, you’ll earn their undying love–and business–when the tides change.

That unspoken deal is what I call a Tit for a Tat. And that ain’t cute, it’s a form of manipulation that tends to backfire.

Which got me thinking about this post I wrote years ago. It feels mighty relevant to me in the current atmosphere.

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I have a friend named Bill. Bill’s a people-pleaser, a real nice guy.  You’d love him. (He’s single now, so if anybody out there is looking for a nice guy, let me know.)

Once upon a time, Bill was working as an accountant at a mid-sized corporation. He had his eyes set on his boss’s job, the CFO position.  He figured he’d be a shoe in because he loved balance sheets, and corporate buyouts, and valuations, and all that eye-glazing numbers stuff. If there was a problem in another state, he’d be the man flown in to set things right.

Bill worked hard. Without being asked, he stayed in the office long after everyone left, and he was always the first one in.  On weekends, he came in, alone, so he could get his department’s figures together for month’s end. He considered himself a real team player.  Always prepared, always going the extra mile, always making himself available when others needed information, he was going to get ahead because he was the amenable one.

It so happens that Bill’s wife was rip-shit.  He was missing their kids’ events and connection time with her.  If he wasn’t in the office, Bill was at night school taking courses towards his MBA. Sure, she respected the fact that he wanted for his family, that he had a commendable work ethic, but she sensed he was going about the ladder-climbing thing all wrong.

Despite the arguments, Bill kept his head down at home and avoided confrontation.  The sacrifice would pay off ten fold, he told himself. The company owed him. They would take care of him. And his wife would eat her words, what with the huge payoff.

Bill was patient.  He bided his time. For 5 whole years.

Eventually the time came.  His boss, the CFO, was moving to greener pastures.  Bill was ready. He’d done everything right. He’d gone above and beyond the call of duty.  He’d done the extra education, and sacrificed his family life. He could DO the job in his sleep. He waited for the tap on the shoulder.

Except he didn’t get the job.  The powers that be gave it to someone else. Someone savvy and assertive and charismatic, someone who had formed a relationship with the president of the company out on the golf course.

Suddenly Bill realized that he was just another worker bee, another peon. He felt humiliated and used.

See, he believed that he DESERVED the promotion. That he’d EARNED it.That he was OWED. He couldn’t understand what had gone wrong.

And here’s the first moral of this story: You get what you negotiate, not what you deserve.

Afraid to seem pushy or aggressive or too eager—which is what so many of us nice folks worry about—Bill had avoided those important positioning conversations. He hadn’t asked his superiors to clarify their expectations or requirements for the position. He hadn’t asked outright for what he wanted.  He’d never formally or informally tossed his hat into the ring.

The truth was, he hadn’t asked the important questions because he was afraid of the answers.  He was afraid that somehow he didn’t measure up and never would. He didn’t want to see his superior’s lack of interest because then he would have to slink out of the office and quit his job.

Uncertainty and change are scary for people-pleasers, which is ironic because we seem to avoid certainty and reality at all cost.

And here’s the second moral of our story: People do business with people they respect and like.

Bill had gotten the “like” part of the equation down, but he hadn’t captured the respect part.

We respect those who respect themselves; it’s just human nature.  We respect those who:

• see to their own needs
• make their wants and desires known
• show assertiveness
• have the tough conversations when they need a reality check
• operate with defined expectations and agreements
• honor their own time and energy

We do NOT respect those who:

• run themselves ragged
• betray their own interests
• try too hard to make us like them
• can’t say no
• give away the farm for free

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I think we can do right by others and do well.

I think we can create free offerings AND sell the products and services we normally do. Or to create brand new ones because we’ve spotted a brand new opportunity in this brave new world.

You may bring someone into your world with your free offerings, but don’t expect them to owe you one because that’s not how life works.

Be clear on your motivations and the outcome you’re after. Most of all, be honest, most of all with yourself.