Nice girls believe that if they’re super sweet, and agreeable, and helpful, and they never argue or complain, and they take one for the team, and they go the extra mile, and they volunteer to do the job no one else wants to do, and they keep quiet, and they don’t make any sort of demand… then people will like them.

They want, no, they NEED, people to like them.

They figure that if they’re nice, if people like them:

• They’ll get to hang around
• They’ll be rewarded for their loyalty and effort
• They’ll be picked for the team
• They’ll get the marriage proposal, or the invitation, or the job, or the promotion, or the client
• They’ll be able to get what they want

Just so we’re clear, the opposite of nice is not bitchy. This is what confuses nice girls. They like to be nice. They do NOT want to be mean. No, the opposite of nice is kind.

Nice and kind are two horses of a different stripe.

Nice and kind sometimes look alike, but they’re motivated by very different things:

Kind is about doing the right thing, the moral thing, even when it makes you unpopular.

• Kind is about doing the right thing by others as well as yourself
• Kind is about respecting your own integrity
• Kind is about being honest about your feelings
• Kind is about drawing boundaries and limits, about letting others know when they’ve crossed the line, so they can correct their ways. Before you deep six the relationship
• Kind is about defining your expectations
• Kind is about calling people on their shit in a firm and loving way
• Kind is about inserting your wants and needs into the equation

Nice is about pleasing other people because you’re freaking scared. Nice is about fear and manipulation. Nice is about winning people over. Which, believe me, Darling, you do NOT want to do.

• Nice is about hiding who you really are and what you think and feel
• Nice is about getting people to do what you want out of a sense of obligation
• Nice is about avoiding confrontation or disappointment
• Nice is about staying safe, staying out of the fray

We can all spot the nice girl from a mile away, can’t we?

• She’s the one baking brownies every Monday for the crowd at the office
• She’s the one driving her kids and 100 of their closest friends to the amusement park on the weekends
• The one who picks up after the party while everyone else—including the hostess— socializes
• She’s the one who smiles so hard you’d think it’s got to hurt
• The one who volunteers to take the shitty seat, or the lumpy bed, or the chicken back so others can be comfortable
• The one who overpromises in the heat of the moment, yes, yes, yes, yes, then winds up under delivering

You ever find yourself wanting to avoid these people?

Ever wonder why?

Maybe we sense that they’re trying way too hard, that they don’t seem to respect themselves, and that makes us cringe.  Or maybe we recognize that we’re dealing with someone untrustworthy, detached from reality, or scattered. If they’re not willing to stand up for themselves, what on earth do they have to offer?

Sometimes, however, “nice” isn’t so obvious. After all, like everything else, “nice” falls on a spectrum. Sometimes “nice” is a mindset that’s keeping US stuck. That’s keeping US trapped.

Sometimes nice is about being afraid of hurting someone, or making them angry, even though remaining silent is costing us big time.

Sometimes nice is about the fear of abandonment, and having to figure out the next step on our own.  Out there on the lonely tundra.

Sometimes nice is about playing it small, playing it safe, about not sticking our head out so we won’t be criticized. (Women, we love an even playing field.  We don’t like chicks who get too big for their britches.)

Sometimes nice is what’s holding us hostage in a dead marriage, or a dead end job. It’s what’s keeping us from getting the promotion, or the client, or a shot at success.

I say cut the nice girl crap! I say lose the behaviors that announce to the world that you don’t trust or respect yourself. Lose the people-pleasing act. Because, really, no one likes it.

Well, that’s not entirely true.  Sociopaths like it a lot, and narcissists, and bullies, and slave drivers, and alcoholics, and drug addicts, and teenagers, and people who don’t want to have to raise the bar in their own lives. They love it when you do whatever it takes to satisfy them. LOVE IT!

Hardly the sort of people you want populating your life.

As a recovering nice girl, I know.