I’m going to tell you something you probably already know. Just bear with me, if you will. Learning to say no is vital to your mental health as well as to your success.
Of course, if you’re a people pleaser, like somebody I know (me, me, me!), saying no isn’t exactly easy because we’re more concerned with pleasing other people than we are ourselves.
We say yes far more often than is healthy because we don’t want others to think badly of us. (As if it’s somehow not a problem to feel bad about yourself. Hello!)
As Jennifer White, author of Work Less, Make More says: “Saying no starts with saying yes to yourself first.”
There’s a novel idea: Putting yourself first. So you won’t be a fat, resentful, overworked, brokeass bitch that only wants to hide the minute you see an eager face step into the room.
It’s like Jennifer White says: “Unless you put yourself first, you will not have the passion, the brilliance or the ability to take care of anyone else. Period. End of story.”
I love people who can tell me no. I want to take them aside and kiss them on the lips. Like the lady at the gym who, when invited ( in a rather insistent fashion) to attend one of Walt’s adventure travel presentations, said, “I’m sorry, but I don’t do evening events. I get up at 4AM. They just don’t work with my schedule.” See, by drawing boundaries around what she deemed important, she handed me permission to do the same. And that’s a sexy thing.
I’m always looking for novel ways to say no. The more tools in the old belt, I say, the easier it is to get the job done. Here’s a few from Work Less, Make More that I really liked:
- Thanks, but I’ll have to pass on that. (Say it, then shut the hell up.)
- I really appreciate you asking me, but my time is already committed.
- I wish I could, but it’s just not convenient. (Get’s the other person to apologize over and over for even asking. A thing of beauty.)
- I promised my coach (therapist, mother, husband, TV repairman….) I wouldn’t take on any more projects without discussing them with her/him first. (Only use this when you’re not sure if you want to say yes.)
- Thank you very much for the invitation. That’s the day of my son’s soccer game (my mother’s wake, my sister’s hernia operation….), and I never miss those. (Just be sure you’re not making it up. Tell the truth.)
- I just don’t have the time to help you, but let me recommend someone else I know. (It’s often easiest to say no when you can offer another solution.)
- I appreciate you thinking of me, but I’m afraid I’m already booked that day. (Use this ESPECIALLY if you’ve blocked off time for yourself. It’s horrible to break a date with someone else–even worse if you break the date with yourself.)
Here’s one more thing. Never, ever say maybe. Maybe is only a way of postponing a decision. Frankly, you’re just wussing out. When you know you want to say no, say no. Otherwise, you’re not being fair to yourself, or with others.
So, my pretty little pony, trot on out there and try one of these no’s on for size. Experiment a little. Notice how you free up others to do the same. Watch how quickly the users of this world scurry off to find another chump to do their chores. Enjoy the respect the good word buys you. Use the time you free up to do the things that nourish your soul.
Come on. Repeat after me. No. No, no, no, no, no.
