The problem with us co-dependent types–and I’m speaking from experience–is that we need to hook into someone or something else because we’re not sure who we are. We lack an identity and the ability to trust ourselves, which, as you can imagine, creates a lot of problems. This is a guest post from Sarai Johnson. She’s writing a book about unhooking from the church and finding herself. I’m fascinated by her take on a world I’ve never known, and drawn in because I can totally relate to this form of co-dependence.

This process of salvation is summed up in evangelical circles, like the one in which I grew up, is typically outlined in four steps, sometimes accompanied by a visual aid of a cross serving as the bridge across the impassable chasm between you, a sinner, and God, the only creature in the universe who is good enough to deserve to exist. No human-devised passage will get you to God; will bridge the separation that keeps you floating out there on your own in a not so happy way. Not philosophy, or good works, or money will close that nasty gap. The cross is the only way, and that means that Jesus was awesome and you are crap, the end.

Here are the steps, in case you’re reading this out of morbid curiosity and don’t know what I’m even talking about, or in case you’d like to be re-traumatized by a theology that has no room for basic humanity. I must say, these steps are not universally acknowledged in the evangelical world in this specific order; occasionally the order of the middle two are swapped because the bible is open for interpretation and people interpret the shit out of things as they please.

Step One:

Hear that God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life. Essentially, this depends on an evangelist sharing the “good news” of the gospel with you. In other words, if you don’t hear about this from some kind-hearted soul who doesn’t want you to burn in hell for all of eternity, you’ll go ahead and burn in hell for all eternity.

This step is both unfair to the “unsaved” who won’t or didn’t hear about this before they died, and also deeply motivating to the Christians who have been told that your eternal life depends on them awkwardly and relentlessly inviting you to church or picnics at the lake that turn out to be church or harvest parties for Halloween that also turn out to be church. It’s their job. They’re only doing what they’ve been told they must do to save you from literally burning alive forever and ever without any hope for relief.

As my partner says, “Never trust a Christian who isn’t always trying to convert you.” He is a stickler for consistent thought and action.

My personal take is, please stop inviting me to church because I will never go unless it’s for a funeral and even then I’ll walk out if the sermon turns into an altar call because I’m so over it and can’t even.

OK. So, to recap: hear the gospel and be like, “Cool, so you’re telling me that the big guy upstairs thinks I’m pretty groovy, even though I’m disgusting. Sounds awesome,” which leads us to…

Step Two:

Recognize that you are a hideous, revolting sinner and you’ll never get any better on your own because you have no agency or ability to stop being an asshole by trying at all to not suck as a person. This step is otherwise called “repent”, which means to turn away from your nauseating ways and move in the opposite direction. Do a 180. Contrary to Ace of Base’s admonition, do turn around. Leave behind your wicked ways and live clean from here on out.

This “living clean” is the spiritual equivalent of an elimination diet. Do you feel icky and bloated? Do you secretly want to lose weight but instead of being honest about being brainwashed by diet culture, need to frame it in terms of “health?” Easy. Eat no grains, processed foods, dairy, legumes, sugar, meat, non-organic plants, or solid food and you’ll feel great! Your whole system will reset and you will lose weight too – mostly because you will be actually starving to death and might not be able to digest actual food for a few years after this, but it’s worth it because you can button those size 4 jeans, or something.

Anyway, the religious version of this is like starting a war with your human self that you will fight for the rest of your entire life.

Want to have sex? NO. At least, not in a fun way – only for procreation, only “within the confines of marriage” (WHY do we use the term marriage confines, like it’s a fucking prison? Anybody? Hashtag self-fulfilling prophesy, much?).

Did you drop a cinder block on your toe and want to swear? NO. It’s been scientifically proven that swearing acts as a momentary analgesic, but if you finally repent, swearing is almost as bad as all sex, oops, I mean, sex outside the prison walls of marriage, but who can keep track?

Did someone do something ghastly to you and you feel angry about it? NO. Only righteous anger is allowed, and only some people get to feel that and exercise on it. This is the realm of the priestly class, or for men, probably. I wouldn’t know, I’m just a daughter of Eve and I get bad cramps when I bleed, so. Ask a dude, I guess.

Right, there are two more steps, but you’ll just have to wait for the book.